18th Century Physician

18th Century Barber-doctor advice

You say you have trouble sleeping on account of your friends dying in the civil war?

You need opium 

Your wife doesn’t like it when you beat her? She must be insane?

You say you have a fever? Have you tried praying to the “right god”?

Your son is cries after 6 of his 10 siblings died. Have you tried beating him harder?

You say you’re child is coughing uncontrollably as a result of your pipe? 

You need to give him cocaine.

You proved something using factual evidence? No, I like my answer more.

Moonshine is making you blind? Have a bit more beer to offset it.

Your daughter  likes to read you say? We can fix that!

You say your son is Anglecian and you are Presbyterian? That is hypocrisy!

You have a papercut on your big toe? What kind of peg-leg fits your style?